Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
theres a train nerd counting the number of ppl that get on and off at every stop. at first i pitied him but he seems happy so now i hate him
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?