@Bownuggets

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

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@meladoodle

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

@tastefactory

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

@fart

theres a train nerd counting the number of ppl that get on and off at every stop. at first i pitied him but he seems happy so now i hate him

@kimtopher22

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

@underfleeker

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

@trumpetcake

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

@nealbrennan

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

@murrman5

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?