Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Pizza is an emotion right?