If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
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My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling