*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
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[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
3% human
97% stress
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.