When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
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“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I have obtained a hat
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.