accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.