Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

Plumber: I think I found the problem

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.