Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
when someone rings the doorbell
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.