Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I hope google does well on my son’s test
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Do not steal food from the science building!
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.