*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Flirting is hard, you guys.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Today I heard a guy on the street say, “It’s chowder season, baby!” so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.