Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

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*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International


COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.


ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.


Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Him: ……..

Flirting is hard, you guys.


Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what



Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”


Today I heard a guy on the street say, “It’s chowder season, baby!” so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words


Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.