[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

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The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.


Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.


The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station


i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective


I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.


me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]


we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head


Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you’re not even sure what you just said.


Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.