[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
You Might Also Like
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Fluff me with a fork baby
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?