@StevieKnip

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

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@TheAlexNevil

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

@3sunzzz

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

@Mr_Kapowski

The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station

@vmochama

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

@That_One_Dude24

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

@KeetPotato

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

@kelseydarragh

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

@LoveNLunchmeat

Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you’re not even sure what you just said.

@AdamBroud

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.