[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
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[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.