Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute