accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
You Might Also Like
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
ACED my prostate exam!
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?