*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
HOW DARE YOU
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
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*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Skills
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.