accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Friends that check up on you >
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.