why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
You Might Also Like
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
This story is comedy gold 😂
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.