WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.