Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
🤣✨#caturday
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island