Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
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If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
They did not think through this water fountain
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio