*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Squirrels before girls.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable