accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
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[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Respect
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?