@OVO_Ty15

Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username ‘Voldemort69’ again

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@SatansTongue

*Vladimir Putin dining*
I want Russian fries
“They’re French fries”
Not for long
*crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France*
Not for long

@FeelingEuphoric

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

@huntigula

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

@StockSwaff

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

@FirecrackerKatt

The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.

@ChicksRule

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: on holiday, what do you miss most about your work?

Me: lol I think I’m hearing the question wrong