I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
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[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively