*Vladimir Putin dining*
I want Russian fries
“They’re French fries”
Not for long
*crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France*
Not for long
Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username ‘Voldemort69’ again
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[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.
The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Interviewer: on holiday, what do you miss most about your work?
Me: lol I think I’m hearing the question wrong