How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over
You Might Also Like
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.