@StarksWeek

Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over

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@TheCatWhisprer

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

@ElleOhHell

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

@bngzyface

Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.

@ItsBobBelcher

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present,

they are due back at the library today.

@NOTVIKING

[first day as an anesthesiologist]

me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery

doctor:

patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep

@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

@TheCatWhisprer

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

@skedaddle74

I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.

You’re welcome.