Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over

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The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.


How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”


Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.


To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present,

they are due back at the library today.


[first day as an anesthesiologist]

me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery


patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep


They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.


Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.


I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.

You’re welcome.