@StarksWeek

Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over

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@doooiiiit

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@pleatedjeans

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

@Paxochka

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

@WilliamAder

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

@MensHumor

Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

@CorkyKneivel

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

@Discourt

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

@sofarrsogud

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.