My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
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My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
fired
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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