Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If “the word impossible is not in your vocabulary”, you have a pretty limited vocabulary.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not