@simoncholland

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

You Might Also Like

@AnniemuMary

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

@causticbob

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

@hazelmotes1

Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.

@DothTheDoth

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

@TheTweetOfGod

If “the word impossible is not in your vocabulary”, you have a pretty limited vocabulary.

@Wishes_She_Was

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

@BigJDubz

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not