Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!