*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
i made a craigslist ad !
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I have written yet another poem about laundry