@Mom_Overboard

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

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@justinl71152415

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

@Staggfilms

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

@TheJasonMarcus

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

@JohnLyonTweets

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

@Marlebean

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

@eeethanford

But I would walk 500 miles

and I would walk 500 more

to be the man who walked 1000 miles

to get away from you.

I want a divorce.

@turnageb

Whenever you see a very specific sign prohibiting certain actions, it means someone has done that thing before.

@pinapl

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

@MissHavisham

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.