Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

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Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.


Forget waterboarding… I’m ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know.


Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty…fill it..I’ll be on the couch.


The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.


Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?


Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.


I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.


You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger


i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house