Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …