Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
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wtf is an acronym
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Best table by far
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving