Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
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Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee