@ADifGuy

Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.

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@DurtMcHurtt

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

@WilliamAder

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

@the_hawlk

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

@GrillinChillin9

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

@Browtweaten

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

@Jamberee13

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma: