Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.

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[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*


Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.


Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas


ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…


Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.


Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir


My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?