What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Personal question. #JustSaying
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”