[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.
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Get your flu shot. Get your cold stabbed.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?