Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
You Might Also Like
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Still a very good boi….
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
WTF
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
So that’s what we looked like?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.