@c12h22o11balls

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

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@GibJimson

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

@KateWhineHall

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

@parkerismss

security question: who was your first grade teacher?

my first grade teacher, hacking my bank account: oh HELL yes

@jazz_inmypants

Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency

Me: yes

[later]

Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency

Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]

@TheToddWilliams

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

@SamGrittner

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

@SamGrittner

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

@daddydoubts

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

@TeaAndCopy

[Putting petrol in car]
??.??
??.??
??.??
[stops]
[gently now]

??.??

[very gently]

??.??

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

??.??

GODDAMMIT