My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
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If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
security question: who was your first grade teacher?
my first grade teacher, hacking my bank account: oh HELL yes
Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency
Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency
Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[Putting petrol in car]
[ok, once more]