Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
#dalle2
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else