Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
yes… yes…
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops