@vapidcontent

accidentally said “bring a ding ding those toes over here mommy” out loud to no one in particular at work the other day and one of the female employee’s said “Okay, it’s been fun here I quit”

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@sofarrsogud

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

@Playing_Dad

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

@heytherejeffro

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

@robin_991

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

@dafloydsta

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

@murrman5

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

@ladybroseph

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

@fishbowel

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it