Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
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police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for