accidentally said “bring a ding ding those toes over here mommy” out loud to no one in particular at work the other day and one of the female employee’s said “Okay, it’s been fun here I quit”

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I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.


[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago


[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”


The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.


I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.


Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.


It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt


I don’t hold grudges.

-the guy who still refuses to listen to the Offspring after they used ‘cinco’ twice in the same line to get the lyric to fit.