Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
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Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Cheers Twitter.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name