accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
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I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
hmm conte-me mais
I’m having an out of money experience.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer