Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
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My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
*frowns in Scottish*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON