Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
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[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
bugs when you lift up a rock
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.