Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet