News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
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priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?
*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work