Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.