@BumbleDC

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

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@badbanana

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

@Rich_McCarthy

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

@figgled

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

@catcohen

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

@JMFingSparks

5yo: *smells glue stick*

Me: DON’T BE SMELLING THAT!!

5yo: it smells like strawberries!

Me: give me that…*smells glue stick*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.

@noog

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

@daemonic3

[home depot]

me: i think i like this huge decorative rock

her: boulder

me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK