Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
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*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
5yo: *smells glue stick*
Me: DON’T BE SMELLING THAT!!
5yo: it smells like strawberries!
Me: give me that…*smells glue stick*
If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
me: i think i like this huge decorative rock
me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK