*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
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So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.