Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

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I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.


I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.


My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.

Anyone need a roommate tonight?


*saves the date*

Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.


My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.


I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.


I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one


[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir


the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps