Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?