Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
How dude HOW?!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.