Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

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My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote “but I live on a golf course and I’m afraid of cows” under it bc I don’t like lies.


Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.


*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*


my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope


Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.


Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read

Guy 2: Got it


Woman: So what-

Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?


I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.


I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.


If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you


23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles