Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.