Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
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british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods