Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting

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Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister

Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand


ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a


Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?


My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”


When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage


Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it


If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.


Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.