Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
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Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Do not go gentle into that good night,
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham