@briangaar

Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting

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@Ilikerockme

Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister

Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand

@ClichedOut

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

@mattr_in_nc

Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?

@mattZillaaaa

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

@ThisOneSayz

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

@Contwixt

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

@HomeProbably

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.