@briangaar: Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting
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@vapidaccount: It's really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs. The more you know.
@bader_diedrich: Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?” “No” “Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
@InternetHippo: OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!! ME: OMG *clutches guns* [7 years later] ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever
@SirEviscerate: Sorry the edible underwear weren't edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.