accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*