Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
You Might Also Like
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
A drum solo but on your face.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.