@capricecrane

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

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@MomOfTeen

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

@DaddyJew

Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?

@ventivodkacran

…and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for “I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don’t You Care That I’m Dying”

@DistractedMomma

Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.

@LurkAtHomeMom

You ran a 5k? Like on purpose or do you just have a lot of bees in your neighborhood?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

@ElgatoEsmio

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

@VeryLonelyLuke

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

@TweetPotato314

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.