If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?
…and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for “I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don’t You Care That I’m Dying”
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.
You ran a 5k? Like on purpose or do you just have a lot of bees in your neighborhood?
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd
*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.