Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
lumberjacks will cut a birch
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I bet
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.